Knock-Out Timetrialing

Good afternoon and welcome to our live coverage of Knock-out qualifying for the 2010 Tour De France . It's been an exciting season so far with La Pistolero dominating for most of the year but The Tall Skinny Dude has not stopped the pace of development and seems to have been making big strides . The Tall Skinny Dude team has been leading so far this week and looking good so we'll see how it goes .

Our pit-lane reporter , Peter Mindsor spoke with Little Tex this morning and says he claims to feel good and will be going for the pole . It's good to see the old warriors still giving it their best in hopes of reclaiming lost glory .

And the track is about to go green so back to live coverage . In the first session , the usual back markers take to the track first . These are the men new to time trialing , with low team budgets and who have truly struggled to drag themselves thru the mountains . Among them is The Swiss Time Machine . Coming from a long way back , he is still a favorite for a top grid position and so far , is posting some very impressive sector times .

But wait , Johann Van Summeren has crashed right at the pit lane entrance and has brought out yellow flags . No one will be able to set a fast time while the crews are cleaning up the debris he left on the track . How embarrassing it must be to simply fall of the ramp like that .

The track has gone back to green and we're now in the qualifying two session . So far , The Swiss Time Machines early sector times are holding up and he's still in the lead . Little tex is on the road but is obviously struggling for grip . He just hasn't been able to find his old form this year and he's in danger of not making the cut . The rest of the big hitters are hitting the track and while they're putting in respectable times , none of them are really threatening the leader board . The Russian , however does seem to be putting in better times than The Spanish Golden Boy which should see him move up the grid .

And now final time-trialing begins . This is what we've been waiting for . The posturing and gamesmanship is over and only raw speed will be able to secure the pole . The Tall Skinny Dude has tried to get the better of La Pistolero , but somehow , La Pistolero has managed to get out last on a quickly improving track . That should be an advantage .

The first two sector times are very even . They're fighting a tense back and forth battle , niether man threatening the pole position , but making it hard to choose between them . But it's in the third and final sector that La Pistolero's setup seems to tip the balance . He does a personal best sector time , moving him solidly ahead of The Tall Skinny Dude . It's not enough for pole position on the day but certainly enough that , barring unforseen disaster , the championship should be his .

Well it's been another exciting qualifying session . The final sunday of the season looks sure to be a thriller . Be sure to join us tomorrow at Noon eastern standard time on your local Fox affiliate for full coverage of the 2010 Tour De France Gran Prix .

Is That All You Got ?

First , let me state , no Sheep were harmed in the making of this blog . But really , weren't you hoping for it ? Talk about action ... the boys hammering up the hill , the break in sight , "contenders" being unceremoniously spit out the back , then ... SHEEP !!! And not just a couple , a flock . At least a dozen or so . Just meandering across the road . How cool if La Pistolero had run into one and fallen off his bike . After apologizing profusely , and getting scolded by the shepherd , he would have to have put on a chase like we haven't seen since , well , since he attacked The Tall Skinny Dude after he couldn't figure out how to work his bike . Oh , well , guess there's always next year .

And now lets throw it to some Washed Up Balding Ex Pro for coverage of todays stage . Yes , after the Great Tourmalet Sheep Roundup of 2010 (and by the way , how did that get scheduled on the same day as the TDF ) It was just what you would have expected , The Tall Skinny Dude attacked , La Pistolero chased , La Pistolero attacked , The Tall Skinny Dude chased , back and forth , on and on , until eventually they looked at each other , simultaneously asked "is that all you got " and then continued arm in arm to the finish where La Pistolero stated , "You can have the small crumbs , I'm due for a huge banquet on sunday" .

Special Mention goes to the Spanish Golden Boy who decided he needed a pavement tattoo on his chest to impress the senoritas . After smashing himself on the road , he chased back on and still beat almost everyone to the top of the hill . Upon crossing the finish line , he was asked how he felt today and replied "ouch".

And The Balding Yank ... nowhere . Some other balding yank from his team seems to have taken over his spot . They look interchangeable to me .

The Russian ... lost time to The Spanish Golden Boy . Must not have had the good drugs today .

Little Tex ... meh ... I guess okay for an old guy . Better than I could have done at any rate , for whatever that's worth .

So it all comes down to the race of truth on Saturday . Will La Pistolero win his first stage this year or will he be the first TDF winner to not win a stage since The Bitter Former Golden Boy Of American Cycling Who Really Needs To Shut His Mouth (TBFGBOACWRNTSHM) ? My guess is he'll be so loaded full of chemicals that he'll either crush all his supposed competitors , or he'll spontaneously combust . Whichever , it should be plenty exciting . The rest of it hardly matters , pro cycling is littered with the bodies of guys who have been on or near the podium of a grand tour occasionally without winning any . Remember their names ? Me neither .

And don't you think Little Tex has a future lined up in advertising ? Much as I hate to admit it , I think his commercials are pretty funny and he's good in them . Well I guess there's eventually something you can like about everybody if you look hard enough .

And speaking of advertising ... SRAM has announced a new campaign to begin directly after the finish of the tour . the tag line will be ... "SRAM Red ... Proudly Throwing Away Yellow Jerseys Since August 19 , 2010"

RIP Big Tex

Dearly beloved , we are gathered here today , to bid our final farewell to one who has sacrificed so much, even literally "giving his left nut", in the name of sports entertainment . He has been a beacon of light and strength for those who were in desperate times , a vanquisher of evil foes , a climber of great heights , and a man who time never seemed to catch up with .

Uh , until today . Hereafter known as Little Tex , today showed that this was one tour too far . If you were hoping for flashes of his old brilliance , you were only fooling yourself . Coming into this tour as a supposed favorite , he never truly had the pace of the other top riders . He lost time on the bricks , lost time in the hills on stages he would have mopped the floor with his enemies in the past , and started drifting off the back as soon as the riding got vertical . You all thought he was just gapping himself so that when he finally chose to attack , he would be no bother to the contenders .

And today was the day . Long day in the mountains , final climb too far from the end to really stir the GC . Main contenders biding their time before thursdays showdown ... away he goes .

But he wasn't looking all that good . Couldn't follow the accelerations like the old days . Didn't have the fluid high cadence that used to light up the forbidding high peaks . Just not the same rider . But he did come down to the finish with a small group .

Was this his chance we wondered ? Could the old warrior prevail one more time ? Would his swansong to the tour be one of glory or final , unrequited defeat ?

He crossed the line in an inconsequential position . No one truly remembers where you are if you don't win . Shoulders slumped , a mere shadow of the once great champion , his end was one of ultimate defeat . Never again to make the pedals cry in anger and rage , he was once and forever done .

Rest In Peace Lance Armstrong .

Should have quit while you were ahead .

There's A Word For That

Yes , It somehow escapes me right now but I know there's a word for what happened today . Just wait , I'm sure it will come to me .

So if you don't know by now , you should find out . High drama today . Yellow jersey changing hands . Hurt feelings . Oaths of revenge . What more could you ask for .

So let's recap some key points of the race so far ...

Stage two : On a wet decent before the finish , lots of riders fall of , including the two Saxo Bank team leaders . This causes the then yellow jersey wearing Big Swiss Time Machine to "neutralize" the field so that all the fallen riders ( read "his teammates") could get back on . The idea was that it isn't fair to attack someone who has had a crash or mechanical problem . This leads to the obvious question of whether on the next stage over the bricks , if one of the potential winners had a mechanical or a crash or just got stuck behind someone elses crash , would they neutralize that stage too ? Only seems fair right ?

Well ...

Stage Three : Now we're on the bricks . Saxo Bank has obviously got the best team for this stage . They're on the front , hammering along , keeping their guys placed up front and out of danger . Then , the inevitable , crash near the front of the peloton . Several potential tour winners are delayed behind the blocked road . So Saxo Bank politly waits for the delayed riders , right ? ...

Not on your life . Having manipulated the field into waiting for their guys the previous day , on this day they realize they have the advantage with their top guy in front of the chaos , and they hammer for all they're worth for the finish . Wait for guys with flats or other mechanicals ? No . Wait for guys who have crashed or got stuck behind someone elses crash ... doubt it . They had pulled a fast one on the rest of the field and got away with it .

The Tall Skinny Dudes entire lead was built on this day . And the explanation ... that's just the way it goes . It was a hard day , blah blah blah . Even Not As Big As He Used To Be Tex played right into their hands by saying " Some days you're the hammer and some days you're the nail ".

It was my firm belief though that after the underhanded manipulation of stages two and three , there would no longer be any quarter given to anyone with a problem .

Then today , stage fifteen : There they were again , The Tall Skinny Dude , La Pistolero , The Feerless Decender and The Russian , slugging it out on a big climb . Nearing the top it seemed like another stalemate . Several attacks had lead to nothing . Then almost at the same time , first The Tall Skinny Dude slows , then La Pistolero attacks . This time there's a gap and he's gone to the finish with the other two in tow . The Tall Skinny Dude is on the side of the road and like most clueless bike racers , can't figure out how to fix his chain . One hair raising decent later and we've got a new leader .

Oaths of revenge are taken , anger is evident ... how could this be fair ... the unwritten rules ... Blah , Blah , Blah ...

It suited Saxo Bank to leave guys behind when they had the advantage , but they expected everyone to wait when they had a problem . All I know is what I had been saying ... ask anyone I've spoken to since stage three , even read past posts for evidence of this ... there will be no more quarter given , and none asked (from anyone except whiney racers who think it's unfair for them to lose time ) . Sometimes it goes that way and one very glaring fact I've learned from watching motorsports is when you can't keep up , for whatever reason , no one waits for you .

I know there's a word for it . Wait , it will come to me ...

Oh yeah , now I remember , it's called ...



Racing .

Fear And Loathing At The Tour De France

I don't know how this will go ; the Benadryl is kicking and I'm trying to focus through allergy medicine induced hallucinations . That and it's difficult to type while trying to keep my feet off the floor so the purple snakes down there don't bite me .

So The Unrepentant Doper finally won his stage . He's been trying for a few days now ; lots of attacks , lots of time off the front , and finally makes good on one . But now the problem ... If I were La Pistolero , I would be wondering when The Unrepentant Doper will test positive and get the whole team booted from the Tour . That could be the only thing to stop him now ; there certainly isn't a rider to do it . And he is too canny a rider to self destruct like some other riders have done this year . If The Unrepentant Doper suddenly takes ill and has to abandon before Paris , we'll all know why .

Also , how does everyone else keep giant spiders off their desk ?

Not As Big As He Used To Be Tex dropped his anchor on the finishing climb again today . His plan must be to lose so much time that no one cares if he goes off the front to try to win a stage . I don't think that's going to work though ; somehow , I would doubt there will be much sympathy for him if he does attack (which seems unlikely) since he's already got a pile of stage wins to his name . I just dont see anyone being willing to work with him .

And whatever happened to him working to protect The Bald Yanks potential podium position ? He never seems to be there to help when the going gets steep and his team mate might need him . And as far as The Bald Yank goes , does anyone really care ? Have you ever seen a more boring podium contender ? Even the way he speaks of the race reaks of apathy . He keeps talking of riding conservativly and hopefully making back time in the final TT . Well , surprise , there's one Russian in the way who has already won a grand tour and won't be a pushover .

The snakes are now eating the spiders , I think I'm safe .

The Crybaby made good today , won a field sprint ( albeit for second place ) without the help of his Expelled Thug team mate . When hard pressed , he still has the speed to win even without his prime guys .

The God Of Thunder went in the break yesterday just to secure more sprinter points . He may not be able to compete with the really fast guys head to head , but he has the largest attatchments of any of them and is still a good bet for green at the finish .

As we all know by now , The Tall skinny Dude lost more time yesterday . He was heard to complain after the race that it wasn't fair because he could'nt keep up and so the race should have been neutralized . He also said if this kept up , he wouldn't even try to win anymore and second place would have to do .

Uh , now the snakes are jumping up and hanging from the ceiling . I better go get an umbrella .

Why Are Sprinters Like That ?

So we actually did have some action yesterday . The Cry Babies Lead Out Man intentionally head butted one competitor , then tried to ride some others into the curb . It was right there on TV . No way to deny . And maybe the first two head butts could have slid by , but on the third , he had to lean pretty far over to hit the guy . No way he was gonna get away with that .

So why are sprinters like that ? They all seem to think rules don't apply to them and fair sportsmanship is only something you talk about in boyscouts . Even in the amateur ranks , sprinters are steroid fed , muscle headed thugs . But I will say one thing , it sure is entertaining .

On a stage that you could have slept through all but the last five minutes and not missed anything , we were finally treated to something exciting . I was starting to think that if they let the riders skip most of the stage and just ride the last ten kilometers , it could save us all a lot of time . I still think that , but at least the sprint was fun . And the aftermath ... The Cry Babies Lead Out Man was expelled from the race . Good because you can't let the race be a free for all ; bad because someone who spiced it up a bit is gone and we're back to watching a sport that's good for napping to .

But today ... action . Granted , only in the last three kilometers but hey , you take what you can get . La Pistolero is slowly but surely closing back on The Tall Skinny Dude . Ten seconds here , ten seconds there , then next thursday on the Tourmalet , watch out . I'm sure the plan is to take the yellow jersey so he can start the final TT last , just so he can catch The Tall Skinny Dude to add to his misery .

And Not As Big As He Used To Be Tex... more time lost ... yawn .

Yes , the 2010 Tour is slowly turning into a one man show . Each day that goes by , La Pistolero looks stronger and stronger and the other guys in the race ( I won't call them his competition , he's really on a level all his own ) are getting harder to see in the rear view mirror .

Would Floyd Landis Please Shut The F*@k Up .

Or maybe not . See , here's the thing ; I don't really care whether pro cyclists dope or not . I basically assume they all do to some degree or other . And honestly , wouldn't the racing be much better if they were allowed to inject themselves with whatever rocket fuel they liked ? We certainly wouldn't have any more mind numbing stages like we had today ; the whole pack drifts along for most of the day , then finally catches the no-hoper break within sight of the finish . Races would be non stop attacking from the gun . The Tall Skinny Dude and La Pistolero never would have stopped attacking each other the other day , as a matter of fact , they'd probably still be at it . Sprinters wouldn't get an arm chair ride to the finish , they'd have to fight for every meter of road . And Not As Big As He Used To Be Tex would have gotten back on his bike , stuck a needle in his butt and caught the pack , no problem .

Now Liar Landis is caught in another spate of stupid e-mails http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/verbruggen-labels-landis-a-nuisance with former UCI chief Hein Verbruggen . Floyd may have been a great racer once upon a time , but I think intellectually speaking , he's still an amatuer . He's trying to match wits with people who are obviously quite sharper than him and have the experience of years behind them . I hope what Floyd has claimed is true ; what would be more entertaining than to watch the establishment crumble in scandle (down with the man) but it doesn't seem Floyd is the guy to do it . After all , who wants to listen to an admitted cheat and liar ?

I'm not blaming Floyd for cheating or lying . I got my entertainment value out of the 06 tour . And cycling is full of champions past and present who have come back from doping scandles to ride at the top level again . Witness Ivan Basso , Riccardo Ricco and Marco Pantani who was and still is a national hero who denied ever doing any illegal drugs until the day he died of a cocaine overdose . Maybe the thing
liar Landis is most angry about is the fact that he was never offered the chance at redemption all the other caught cheaters are given . Maybe if he had been given a contract with a decent team , he would have kept his mouth shut and all his former aquaintances would currently have nothing to fear .

At the very least , if the IOC would remove the list of banned substances , WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH ANY MORE BORING ASS STAGES WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR THE REAL RACING TO START AGAIN .

Does It All Seem A Little Brokeback To You ?

So I'm thinking La Pistolero and The Tall Skinny Dude have something very brokeback going on . Not that there's anything wrong with that , I'm just saying ... One never seems to go anywhere without the other . A nice sunny day out in the Alps , birds singing , green grass and Edelweiss everywhere , a great day for a bike ride in the mountains , and those two are like that annoying couple you know ; the one where your friend can't go out to play with the boys unless he brings along his "special friend". Riding up the last hill , down the last hill , along the road into town , whenever one tried to go on his own , the other had to join him . They spent pretty much the whole day in each others shadow . I was half expecting to see them holding hands when they finished their ride . It was all too cute . Once again , I'm just sayin ...

So the French Hero Of The Day won his third ever stage , all of them being after the desent of a big mountain in the Alps . I'm thinking he must have been eating a lot of cookies . Otherwise , how could he be desending so fast all the time . Those skinny guys just can't go downhill fast , not enough mass . And I know from personal experience , baked goods make you faster downhill , something to do with gravity and acceleration .

Todays result shows what I know abaout bike racing , my podium prediction was ruined when the ex-convict cracked in a big way . Guess late nights dodging police takes it out of a man . He was blaming his broken elbow but the last time I was on my bike , I'm pretty sure I didn't use my elbow to turn the pedals , but that could just be me .

And so , another contender bites the dust . It's quickly turning into a two man race . Maybe they should end the suspense , fast forward to the last saturday , and let La Pistolero take his rightful place , standing upon the corpses of his vanquished foes .

In Other News :

As if being pulled off his bike and kicked while he was on the ground a couple of times wasn't enough , this morning the UCI Vampires woke McEwen up early to take blood . Seems they've decided , if they can't catch him actually doping , even though they are sure he must be , they'll just keep taking his blood until he's so weak he can't even get out of bed , let alone pedal 120 miles a day .

Not As Big As He Used To Be Tex lost more time today . Seems his plan now is to loose so much time that he's no longer a threat to anyone , even the Lantern Rouge , and then attack . Maybe if he keeps at it , next year he'll be far enough off the back that the bunch might let him win a stage out of pity .

Quotes :

La Pistolero - "I'm sorry , were we racing ? I couldn't tell , the pace was slow so I figured we were just out looking for a place to get a mocha . I promise next week I'll ride , I just need to work up the interest ".

A Tall Skinny Dude - "Okay , if I can't get rid of him in the mountains , I'll get enough guys to agree to fall off in the time trial and then we'll neutralize the stage . Then I'll be the winner ".

The Bald Yank - "I'm not sure I like being the team leader . Does this mean I have to stick my nose in the wind ? How about if I just keep a respectful distance from those guys just in front of me ? "

Prediction for tomorrow ...










Oh , I'm sorry , I nodded off . Tomorrow some no hopers will go up the road and a Yank will win . Then , after the tour , he'll test positive and end his career in disgrace . (And no , not the yank you're thinking of. But it will raise major doubts about his team and force a new sponsor out of bike racing .)

Anyone wanna play "Guess The Doper ?"

Rest Day Update

First of all , Rest Day !?! I'm working today , why can't those guys ? You would think they get paid enough , let them suck it up and suffer a bit . Nobody else likes monday but we all go to work anyway .

So yesterdays action... Well it finally happened . After years of dominance , and almost just as much shooting his mouth off , Big Tex finally got spanked in a big way . The silly Brit commentator said "The tour shouldn't be this hard on him" , but quite frankly , the Tour doesn't care . It's not like the Tour is some living , breathing thing that feels bad for accidentally stepping on your puppy . If you can't keep up , you get left behind . And also , as far as I could tell , he crashed once , not three times . if you're not rolling around on the ground , it's not a crash , it's just "you put your foot down". But in his defense I must say , the fact that he's there at all is pretty impressive ; I mean come on ... isn't he like 87 years old ? The fact that he can even walk , let alone ride a bike at that age is worthy of much praise .

Then the rest of the action (or lack thereof) Well , some guys got off the front early and tried their best to stay away , but alas , it wasn't to be . They were reeled in a few kilometers before the finish and after a couple guys without the legs tried to get away , a couple of guys with legs got away just before the finish . A skinny guy won .

Post race rider quotes

Not So Big Anymore Tex "Not fair . How come if we all waited for him when he fell , nobody waited for me when I fell"

La Pistolero "This tour fills me with boredom . I will wait until we ride on some real mountains , then I will show everyone my superior manliness".

A Tall Skinny Dude " I'm having the best form of my life so far . The drugs must be working, uh , I mean , my team was great , it's all down to them ".

There is currently a rumor circulating that there will be a HTC Droid Mark Cavendish model available soon . Apparently , it's in Beta testing but they are having a hard time making it work amazingly well for the first year , and then seem not to work at all , only to suddenly start working again . Then the home screen only shows a sad clown face .

More mountains tomorrow . Yellow Jersey Competition prediction , Some guys will go off the front , stay away for most of the race , get caught before the finish and some skinny guy will win .

And oh , yeah , now that he's dropped for good can we stop showing Not So Big Anymore Tex's jersey on the crawl like he's got his own category in the race , sort of like "Best Lance Armstrong" ?

Well it's taken most of a week but now we're down to the real racing . How do we know ? Simple , riders were throwing punches at the end of the race . After the finish of another hectic yet ultimately predictable field sprint , Carlos Barredo (QuickStep) was seen brandishing a front wheel at Rui Costa (Caisse d Pargne) . Seeing this , the old Brit commentator observed that the one true god , Big Tex , would never threaten someone with a wheel , he would know to use something much more club like , like maybe a seat post ". After realizing that a carbon fiber front wheel wouldn't have enough of an impact , he dropped it in favor of useing his fists . The two riders then proceeded to take swings at each other while the crowd was entertained by watching the two , 130 lb. bike riders try to do any kind of damage they could . After realizing the fight was going nowhere , the two were ultimately sepperated . Barredo said " I know my conduct was incorrect and I accept the fine for that . Next time I'll hit him with a crankset , not a front wheel ".

In a seperate incident , Robbie McCewen (Katusha) was pulled of his bike after the finish by an overzealous dope control chaperon . McCewen said he was shocked by the incident and after being released from hospital was hoping he would be able to start the following day . The chaperon stated "I know all these riders are doping and if I can't catch them at it , I will do whatever is necessary to keep them from ruining the race .

The McCewen incident has started a new round of anti-doping discussions with the latest suggestion being to allow the riders to do whatever they wish . The benefit which was pointed out would be far more aggressive racing . The prototypical rider would become a 225 lb. musclehead who would approach a 150 mile big mountain stage as an individual time trial . They would go all out from the start , some would drop dead on the side of the road and at the end of the day , they would load them up with more toxic chemicals and send them out again . Tour director Christian Prudhomme stated "We're always looking for ways to keep the race fair and this is one good option .

In other tour news from yesterday , some dudes got out in front of the race , the pack noodled along until they decided to start racing , they reeled in the break before the end , and some fast guys fought out the sprint . Thankfully , no one cried .

Tour De France Spoiler Alert Dateline... I don't know , some pretty yet boring medieval town in the middle of nowhere , wine country , France . Todays Action - After much yelling at each other the previous day , AC was asked what he and Big Tex were saying . He replied "not much , I was just saying that I schooled him on the hills last year and this year would be doing it on the flats". Then , just to prove his point , he attacked on the flat run in to the finish . He gained so much time that he was able to stop to enjoy coffe and croissant with his family before the finish .

The stage was ultimately won by retired super sprinter , Mario Cippolini , who said he "came out of retirement just for todays final 200 meters to show those crybabies how it's done ". Afterwards , he was seen heading towards the beach ... AC was able to remount in time to take second in the sprint and thereby secure his grip on the green jersey which he has claimed as his number one priority for this tour ," just to prove his all around manliness ".

Crying Cav was heard to say on the podium yesterday , "No fair , he stole my green blanky ". When asked for a comment , after dope control , which took an unusually long time , due to the plastic cups mysteriously melting , the God Of Thunder remarked " Real sprinters don't cry , they feed on the children of their dead enemies left by the side of the road". Upon hearing this , Crying Cav went to find his mommy .

Big Tex was seen after todays stage at a french pawn shop trying to sell a cheap Spanish Rolex knock-off . Nobody is quite sure where it came from .

Tomorrow is the first mountain stage and Sparticus has confirmed that the stage will be neutralized unless his boy is in the front . "After all" he said "nothing else would be fair".