Racing Bicycles On The Planet Of The Apes

Okay, so by now, Let's Get Stoopid Sunday has had time to settle in. For those of you who live in Eastern Siberia, and may not know, apparently, a rare breed of Simian, the "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey" was driving, and ran over a couple cyclists.

Now, we all like to watch those accordian player guys with their cute Organ Grinder monkeys. The little vest and Fez is quite the fashion statement. And we've seen monkeys that have been trained to do cute things, like serve dinner or operate the remote control. But for god sakes, you can't let the monkeys drive cars on public roads.

Actually, all the crashes have certainly added a level of excitement that hasn't been seen in the first week of the tour in quite some time. Guys have gone too fast in turns and ended up in the trees. Too many guys have tried to squeeze onto the same narrow bit of road and ended up in the ditch.

And here's my personal favorite. In the middle of an easy stage, on a straight road, El Pistolero shot out of the pack and collided with a spectator. Turns out, as he say's, he got his handlebars caught on Vladimir Karpets saddle. Now , I've been in plenty of bike races, and I can't imagine how that would happen unless he was trying to goose Karpets. My guess is Karpets doesn't swing that way and was surprised by El Pistolero's advance, and then gave him the obvious hip-check that sent him scurrying.

So does anyone know when team directors are going to show some concern for the health of their riders? How many guys have we seen finishing a stage with a concussion, and afterwards, as the disoriented rider is being ferried to the hospital on a gurney, the director says, " we'll wait until tomorrow to see if he can continue". It was reported today that one of these riders, who was allowed to ride the following day, even though he himself admitted that he couldn't clear out the cobwebs, is still suffering from headaches and disorientation. I mean really, give me a good, doctor administered doping program over the care of some washed up ex pro any day.

Oh, and by the way, I see no one had Alexandr Kolobnev in "Guess The Doper". Too bad, the prize was awesome. Guess I'll just keep it for myself. I had Popovitch, and while it was the wrong guy, it was the right country. You gotta watch those ex-soviet athletes. Most of them actually used to be women, but steroid abuse can be an ugly thing.

Up tomorrow, actual mountains. As Mentioned previously, I believe El Pistolero has his competition right where he wants them. He's been lulling them into a sense of security with his off the bike excursions, but tomorrow, or at some point this weekend, he'll slay them all. Just watch...

Crash Fest 2011

Well, I'll bet there's lots of skinny guys in France who are pretty glad this week is almost over. I don't know if there have been more crashes than usual, but they sure have seemed to affect some pretty big names.

First, El Pistolero... on the first day, no TT but a lame road stage instead and our hero ends up the first guy standing behind a pileup with a perfect view of his competition rolling on up the road. Must have been a pretty crappy feeling, all fit and everything, but unable to go. Then a couple days ago, off his bike, on the pavement, adding speed holes to the back of his jersey. And by the way, what kind of example is he setting, tossing what was probably an eight thousand dollar bike in the ditch like it was a foul smelling science experiment in the back of the fridge. Most of us lay our expensive bikes down gently on cotton pillows filled with virgin goose down. Must be nice to get paid to ride.

Don't forget the great Brit hope. Probably another in that long line of guys who have been near the podium of a grand tour once or twice. But this was going to be his year. Fitter and leaner than ever, looking fierce, staying near the front and out of trouble... oh, never mind.

Classics specialists? Guys who are used to the cut and thrust of early season races? Bigger guys than the average skinny GC stage racer. Easily able to hold their own in the front when the elbows start flying in anticipation of the next brutal, slimy, narrow, cobbled torture device? Nope , not them either. Last seen sitting on the side of the road waiting for the bell in their head to stop ringing after the tarmac gave a good hard tug on the clapper rope. (oh, and speaking of Tarmac, doesn't that now seem like a very appropriate name for a bike model, although not for the reason the marketing geeks might have thought?)

Then we have the Americans. An unstoppable four pronged attack for them this year (well, to be fair, three Yanks and a German). They flew in California, squeeked out a heroic win in Switzerland, things were looking good. Unfortunately, armco surfing doesn't lead to good finishes, although it might make for good Youtube viewing. And even more importantly, if you smack your nose on the road, it will probably really hurt and you might not feel much like riding the next day. And now all that's left after the most recent carnage? The old German, too timid to pull the trigger when given the shot.

So who's left unscathed? Well, the two brothers for one (or two). Both kept out of trouble, safely ferried through the chaos by their big team mates day after day. Too bad the big guys couldn't help the favored son up the hill first time it got steep. The finish line picture of the Schleck The Elder looking over his shoulder, wondering why his little brother wasn't in the picture was priceless. After all, who doesn't like a family portrait?

That leaves the convict. Second place throughout the week, always present and accounted for, never in trouble. Something must be very wrong, he hasn't had a bad day yet. Oh, wait, we haven't hit the high mountains yet. Give it time, I'm sure he'll crack once before it's over, after all, it's his turn.

So thankfully, tomorrow some climbing happens. Not much but enough that The God Of Thunder will probably finally give up his lead. Not that it hasn't been a valiant defense. He's hung a lot tougher than he was expected to. Gotta suspect though that his team did so much to defend his jersey that they might have used up too much ammo and the next two weeks could be a bit disappointing. But at least they had the spotlight for a bit, hard to say this tour is anything but a success for them no matter what else happens.

And next week the real climbing begins. Expect El Pistolero to finally fly. Seems like everyone is getting their share of bad luck this year. He's had his, now it's time to kill...

Okay, so I fell behind this weekend, figuring it would be the average, boring first week of the tour, and sure enough, something actually happened. I had to pinch myself...

The first stage looked all set for the formulaic procession that the organizers seem to think should dominate the first week of racing; you know, the race starts, some guys go off the front, they stay out until about 10 k until the finish, then, field sprint. And as expected, it was going that way when, the best possible thing that could have happened did.

El Pistolero lost a chunk of time. He was poorly positioned, as is his habit, when a pile of domino's fell in front of him. He must have had an incredibly forlorn look on his face. He was in the first line of guys still upright behind the mess, watching everyone else ride away from him. When all was said and done, it was over a minute lost.

Then the Team Time Trial. I don't think anyone was truly surprised by the result. The TT specialist heavy squads battled it out for stage honors, chrono-man hauled his charges to a good time and El Pistolero seeded time I'm sure he was expecting to lose. And now here we are... The main GC guys are all in front of the defending champ and he has no choice but to go on the attack. How cool is that. Throw the formula out the window, there's a battle royale on the horizon.

Now for sure we'll see who's got what kind of form. Today's stage was a hint of what's coming. A 2 k climb to the finish provided the opportunity for the GC men to test their legs and for the champ to start pulling back lost time. And he did his best. The real battle came down to him and the convict, while the other men all lost time. After all the talk of who's got what, the early season form guide looks to be the truth. Everyone must have known what attacks were coming today, but several guy's were unable to follow the wheels. When we get to the high mountains, expect to see El Pistolero riding in front on his own. And honestly, I just don't see anyone else winning on the famed Alpe.

The Schleck boys and the American pretenders might as well pack their bags, they may be a minute and a half plus ahead, but El Pistolero has them right where he wants them. They may be looking in the rear view mirror now, but in three weeks time, they'll be wondering how it all slipped away.

Honerable mention goes to Tyler Farrar for his win on Independence Day. If you only take one sprint stage in the Tour, that's not a bad one to pick. I'm not sure, but I do believe that makes him only the second American to take a road stage (not a tt) in each grand tour. Can anyone name the other guy?

And now, for the next few days, back to the snooze fest that the first week of the tour is...

Friday, July 1, 2011

Finally, after a winter of trying to figure out who really won last years tour, we're back live. All I can say is, of course he did, he's a pro cyclist after all. And on a similar note, so did the guy who's buddies are all abandoning like rats jumping off a sinking ship. I can only wait to see the size of the humble pie he's going to have to eat.

So this year...

First we've got a guy who has looked crushingly invincible so far this year. Totally dominant win in Italy, two smaller races in Spain, one other race he would have won except for an untimely flat, and his biggest victory to date; the win over the Spanish anti-doping authority. This boy is absolutely teflon.

Next is a sore loser who's looking for redemption but so far this year has looked like a club cyclist trying to climb with cat 1 racers. Not a pretty site. Also, his teams attack of a rider with a flat in Switzerland to advance his brother to a podium spot puts the lie to his claims that he would "never have raced like that". I just don't see him mounting a real challenge.

And don't let the americans fool you either. Good in California in May isn't the same as good in France in July. There may be a podium, but only because that bald guy never sticks his nose in the wind and may just have the legs to follow wheels all the way to Paris. As for the California winner, I could see a stage win, but not much more than that.

And now on to the real fun...

If you follow the news closely, you would have seen that one team bus was seized by French authorities today. I wonder what's in the refrigerator? And who's bags of spare blood are going to be missed on the first rest day? Which brings me to my TDF Contest...

All new this year, everyone pick your favorite and play Guess The Doper. Here's the rules, pick who you think will be the first rider to test positive at this years Tour. (Alberto Contador doesn't count unless it's for an incident seperate from last year). First correct guess wins a prize to be determined later. Second place goes to the correct guess of the first team, other than Quick Step to withdraw or be excluded from this years race. I'll keep track and post results as they come in. If a tie occurs (two or more riders test positive on the same day) the rider highest on GC will be considered to have "won". Don't hesitate, post your guesses in the comments...

Well that's it for now. Hopefully we'll get some action this year, but really, I think I'm going to nap for the first week, I mean really, how many field sprints can one watch?

Knock-Out Timetrialing

Good afternoon and welcome to our live coverage of Knock-out qualifying for the 2010 Tour De France . It's been an exciting season so far with La Pistolero dominating for most of the year but The Tall Skinny Dude has not stopped the pace of development and seems to have been making big strides . The Tall Skinny Dude team has been leading so far this week and looking good so we'll see how it goes .

Our pit-lane reporter , Peter Mindsor spoke with Little Tex this morning and says he claims to feel good and will be going for the pole . It's good to see the old warriors still giving it their best in hopes of reclaiming lost glory .

And the track is about to go green so back to live coverage . In the first session , the usual back markers take to the track first . These are the men new to time trialing , with low team budgets and who have truly struggled to drag themselves thru the mountains . Among them is The Swiss Time Machine . Coming from a long way back , he is still a favorite for a top grid position and so far , is posting some very impressive sector times .

But wait , Johann Van Summeren has crashed right at the pit lane entrance and has brought out yellow flags . No one will be able to set a fast time while the crews are cleaning up the debris he left on the track . How embarrassing it must be to simply fall of the ramp like that .

The track has gone back to green and we're now in the qualifying two session . So far , The Swiss Time Machines early sector times are holding up and he's still in the lead . Little tex is on the road but is obviously struggling for grip . He just hasn't been able to find his old form this year and he's in danger of not making the cut . The rest of the big hitters are hitting the track and while they're putting in respectable times , none of them are really threatening the leader board . The Russian , however does seem to be putting in better times than The Spanish Golden Boy which should see him move up the grid .

And now final time-trialing begins . This is what we've been waiting for . The posturing and gamesmanship is over and only raw speed will be able to secure the pole . The Tall Skinny Dude has tried to get the better of La Pistolero , but somehow , La Pistolero has managed to get out last on a quickly improving track . That should be an advantage .

The first two sector times are very even . They're fighting a tense back and forth battle , niether man threatening the pole position , but making it hard to choose between them . But it's in the third and final sector that La Pistolero's setup seems to tip the balance . He does a personal best sector time , moving him solidly ahead of The Tall Skinny Dude . It's not enough for pole position on the day but certainly enough that , barring unforseen disaster , the championship should be his .

Well it's been another exciting qualifying session . The final sunday of the season looks sure to be a thriller . Be sure to join us tomorrow at Noon eastern standard time on your local Fox affiliate for full coverage of the 2010 Tour De France Gran Prix .

Is That All You Got ?

First , let me state , no Sheep were harmed in the making of this blog . But really , weren't you hoping for it ? Talk about action ... the boys hammering up the hill , the break in sight , "contenders" being unceremoniously spit out the back , then ... SHEEP !!! And not just a couple , a flock . At least a dozen or so . Just meandering across the road . How cool if La Pistolero had run into one and fallen off his bike . After apologizing profusely , and getting scolded by the shepherd , he would have to have put on a chase like we haven't seen since , well , since he attacked The Tall Skinny Dude after he couldn't figure out how to work his bike . Oh , well , guess there's always next year .

And now lets throw it to some Washed Up Balding Ex Pro for coverage of todays stage . Yes , after the Great Tourmalet Sheep Roundup of 2010 (and by the way , how did that get scheduled on the same day as the TDF ) It was just what you would have expected , The Tall Skinny Dude attacked , La Pistolero chased , La Pistolero attacked , The Tall Skinny Dude chased , back and forth , on and on , until eventually they looked at each other , simultaneously asked "is that all you got " and then continued arm in arm to the finish where La Pistolero stated , "You can have the small crumbs , I'm due for a huge banquet on sunday" .

Special Mention goes to the Spanish Golden Boy who decided he needed a pavement tattoo on his chest to impress the senoritas . After smashing himself on the road , he chased back on and still beat almost everyone to the top of the hill . Upon crossing the finish line , he was asked how he felt today and replied "ouch".

And The Balding Yank ... nowhere . Some other balding yank from his team seems to have taken over his spot . They look interchangeable to me .

The Russian ... lost time to The Spanish Golden Boy . Must not have had the good drugs today .

Little Tex ... meh ... I guess okay for an old guy . Better than I could have done at any rate , for whatever that's worth .

So it all comes down to the race of truth on Saturday . Will La Pistolero win his first stage this year or will he be the first TDF winner to not win a stage since The Bitter Former Golden Boy Of American Cycling Who Really Needs To Shut His Mouth (TBFGBOACWRNTSHM) ? My guess is he'll be so loaded full of chemicals that he'll either crush all his supposed competitors , or he'll spontaneously combust . Whichever , it should be plenty exciting . The rest of it hardly matters , pro cycling is littered with the bodies of guys who have been on or near the podium of a grand tour occasionally without winning any . Remember their names ? Me neither .

And don't you think Little Tex has a future lined up in advertising ? Much as I hate to admit it , I think his commercials are pretty funny and he's good in them . Well I guess there's eventually something you can like about everybody if you look hard enough .

And speaking of advertising ... SRAM has announced a new campaign to begin directly after the finish of the tour . the tag line will be ... "SRAM Red ... Proudly Throwing Away Yellow Jerseys Since August 19 , 2010"

RIP Big Tex

Dearly beloved , we are gathered here today , to bid our final farewell to one who has sacrificed so much, even literally "giving his left nut", in the name of sports entertainment . He has been a beacon of light and strength for those who were in desperate times , a vanquisher of evil foes , a climber of great heights , and a man who time never seemed to catch up with .

Uh , until today . Hereafter known as Little Tex , today showed that this was one tour too far . If you were hoping for flashes of his old brilliance , you were only fooling yourself . Coming into this tour as a supposed favorite , he never truly had the pace of the other top riders . He lost time on the bricks , lost time in the hills on stages he would have mopped the floor with his enemies in the past , and started drifting off the back as soon as the riding got vertical . You all thought he was just gapping himself so that when he finally chose to attack , he would be no bother to the contenders .

And today was the day . Long day in the mountains , final climb too far from the end to really stir the GC . Main contenders biding their time before thursdays showdown ... away he goes .

But he wasn't looking all that good . Couldn't follow the accelerations like the old days . Didn't have the fluid high cadence that used to light up the forbidding high peaks . Just not the same rider . But he did come down to the finish with a small group .

Was this his chance we wondered ? Could the old warrior prevail one more time ? Would his swansong to the tour be one of glory or final , unrequited defeat ?

He crossed the line in an inconsequential position . No one truly remembers where you are if you don't win . Shoulders slumped , a mere shadow of the once great champion , his end was one of ultimate defeat . Never again to make the pedals cry in anger and rage , he was once and forever done .

Rest In Peace Lance Armstrong .

Should have quit while you were ahead .